Forget how to date?

 

Ok, so your child’s four and you feel it your imperative to stay home and keep that stringent schedule that you set up –also known as the “bed time ritual”.  You know, the one where you eat supper at 5:30pm, give your child a bath (with all those water toys) @ 6:15pm. Then it’s quality story time where you provide all the classics from which your child picks two books for you to read as you snuggle together on the rocking chair in his/her room, and then perhaps your child has “earned” the right to use the ipad for precisely 10 minutes on pre-set apps on the ipad desktop (educational games of course).  Then, finally, you sit with your child and have quality child/parent sharing!” By precisely 7:30pm, lights out!   This schedule must not be interrupted—ever, not even for a chance to play bingo, go dancing, go to Starbuck’s for a late night latte—never, ever! You have earned yourself a place in heaven.  Your child will turn out better than average, understand the rhythm of routines, fall asleep easier, and love you more as an adult, for your sacrifices as a parent!

Does the above scenario sound familiar to you?  If you’re a first time mom or over 25 with an established career, you recognize the rigors of life, and that having “no real life” comes with the territory.  It’s part of parenting, right?  At least you can now rest assured that your child will turn out a scholar—and be a clean freak when he/she grows up! Well, maybe at least they’ll wash behind their ears!   While all your best laid plans and sacrificing to achieve the perfectly parented child should pay dividends in your baby’s teenage years, I’m so sorry to break it to you, but Life Just Happens anyway.  The teenage years are deep dark places no one should have to go through emotionally, but that’s another story.  This advice is for you Mom and Dad.

While the perfectly kept baby schedule is important 80% of the time, the other 20% of the time should be about enjoying each other without the torment and guilt of breaking baby’s schedule.  Important baby alert:  Baby will not suffer permanent damage if you plan a date night for yourselves.  Remember that movie “Date Night” with Tina Fey and Steve Carrell?  If you don’t remember or have never heard of that movie, first, before you read any further, rent it on Xfinity or Netflix.  At the very least you’ll laugh your ass off.  Your date night probably won’t be as crazy. but you will get some much needed down time.

You may need to relearn how to talk “big people talk”, so practice that before you take the date night idea any further; otherwise, you might embarrass yourself when you order your dinner out.

Date night does take some getting used to.  You have to let go of the “guilts” that will pop up at odd times during the daylight hours of the “date night”.  You’ll come up with excuses that you will try to sabotage yourself or your spouse or significant other with. For example, “Honey, I’m too exhausted.  I’ve had a really hard day. and I need to do the laundry tonight.”  Or, “Honey, I need to watch …blah…blah…blah on television tonight. I can’t miss this episode (even though you usually fall asleep on the couch, snoring and drooling by 9:00pm).   Or, how about the one, “I might be coming down with a cold.  My throat is scratchy.” Good try Moms or Dads.  Newsflash:  You’re going to be perpetually tired until your child leaves for college.  Don’t let the “I’m Tired Syndrome” strike. Build a couple of cups of caffeinated coffee into your schedule late in the day.  Don’t worry about tomorrow or you will never go out! 
 

You do need to plan for a babysitter.  Don’t count on your parents all the time. Have a deep bench as they say in football or baseball.  Have a  contingency plan if one person poops out on you (no baby pun intended)!  I know babysitters get $50.00 an hour compared to what I paid when my children were young ($1.50).  See how I shocked you with the high number. What if I told you it’s probably around $10.00 an hour.  It doesn’t sound as bad anymore, right?  Well, start saving your quarters in a fund marked “for babysitter on date night”.  Unfortunately, when he proposed to you was really the time to start. You will need a nice size gob of money for the babysitter on date night.  I won’t lie to you.  It could get pricey.  UNLESS, you plan to execute date night by picking cheap things to do. 

As long as you’re together—right?  Isn’t that the point?  To talk big people at night?  Well, the babysitter only needs to be for two hours or so. And remember, you don’t need to feel guilty about paying $5.00 for a half hour.  So, if you keep the radius within 10 minutes of your house (both ways) that’s a savings in babysitter time for transportation to and from your date place.  You can consider a jog together—no cost except for sneakers, and close to home too, if you jog out your front door.  And bonus, find a café to have a light snack at the end of the jog near your home (forget about the fact that you’re sweaty and nasty smelling after a much needed run—you’re married anyhow!)  It’s being together that counts; just time for you and him/her. 

Another inexpensive date (cheap) is visiting friends for a nice after dinner drink and appetizer (that’s cheaper than a whole dinner and can save precious babysitter time and money too).  Be careful to pick friends who either don’t have any children or have a strict early bedtime for their own kids.  Remember the idea is to not see anyone under 18 years old!  Or how about a Thursday night date when the library is open until 8:00pm?  I know they have puzzles set up and maybe Sudoko as well! (Really, I’m just kidding, or am I?)

The last, but most sensitive subject I’m going to bring up is—and don’t take offense—is do you still remember the mechanics of dating?  We talked about the importance of speaking “big boy”—ah, “big people” language.  Now, what about—other topics of discussion that do NOT include the mortgage, your parents, his parents, bills in general, leaky plumbing, mowing the lawn—you know, nothing that has to do with the banal conversations –but vitally important—that you would have anyway, during the other six non-dating nights.  OK.  Now, ask yourself, what’s left?  Do you have what it takes to initiate a conversation that is engaging, and enticing.  Sex is not a forbidden topic. It would spice things up, but wait a minute. I think you may be too tired for that topic! My advice?  Make the effort to enjoy each other’s company, even for an hour, and you will reap the benefits of a happy and interesting marriage long after your children leave.  And make no mistake about it.  When they do leave, your relationship will be “happily ever after”!